But I Never Believe Me
by MyHeroRaven
Summary: How did I end up here? In a seedy motel room about to sleep with my best friend who's about to marry my other best friend? Sleeping with a man that doesn't love me?


**Title: But I Never Believe Me**

**Summary: How did I end up here? In a seedy motel room about to sleep with my best friend who's about to marry my other best friend? Sleeping with a man that doesn't love me?**

**A/N: Rated M for sex, lauguage, and character death. SORRY! I must be on a tragedy kick today, damn. One line in this story is not mine, it belongs to a truly amazing writer. You get a cookie if you can guess what line and from what book it's from. : )**

**Dedication: To Emma, this one's for you sis. **

How did I end up here? In a seedy motel room about to sleep with my best friend who's about to marry my other best friend? How did I get myself put into this kind of a situation? Girls do it to themselves all the time... but not me, never me.

I was smart; at least I thought I was a little smart. Smart enough to know that if anyone ever found out that I was his 'dirty little secret' that it would ruin all our friendships. That there would be no going back. And yet... I was still here, sitting on the bed waiting for him.

I was always waiting for him; I would wait my whole damn life and never have him.

I knew that this made me a bad person, that I could hurt one of my best friends like this. But I loved him. I _loved_ him. So that made it right. It made it OK, helped me to sleep a little easier at night.

Don't get me wrong, he enjoyed it too, if he didn't why did he keep coming back? Sometimes he wouldn't though, and I would wait all night, crying myself to sleep in dirty motel rooms. Alone, like I was always meant to be.

Sometimes it would hurt so bad, to know that no one would ever love me. Not like they loved him. The agony of it all would consume me, spreading like poison straight towards what was left of my heart. I just wanted to be loved, is that too much to ask? Am I so horrible that no one can love me? Am I?

God, I hoped not. But somewhere, deep down I knew.

I heard a soft knock on the door, my heart started to beat a little quicker as I answered it. And there he stood silky hair, hazel eyes and that perfect one-of-a-kind smile. He grinned before shoving me back harshly, slamming the door shut and locking it.

The boy moved forward gripping my hair harshly, as he dragged his teeth across my jaw bone, desperate like worship. Pushing me back so that my knees hit the bed we both fell, a hot mess. He was being quick, trying to find a release. It was just a release for him, but so much more for me.

I gasped as he lifted my shirt roughly, tossing it to some unknown corner of the room. His hands ran all over my toned body, dipping into the curves of my sides and right bellow my belly button. I moaned as I he worked his way down my torso, flicking his tongue into my navel. I arched my back and whispered his name, like wind on a summer day.

Groaning he flipped me over onto my belly, running his hands down my spine slowly, as if he was trying to be sure I was really there. That I actually existed. He reached underneath of my and began to undo my pants. Pulling the zipper down he removed my pants and boxers laying them on the floor. He slapped me on my backside, telling me to get onto my hands and knees. I obliged. I felt his hands span across my ass feeling and groping earnestly. I knew what was coming. He leaned forward and gently nuzzled one of my round globes. It could almost be mistaken as being loving. But it wasn't... it never was.

I heard his zipper being pulled down and knew by now he was naked beneath me. There was this moment every time we did this where I would question if I really wanted this, if I really wanted to be this person, to be this monster. I shook my head as tears fell down my cheeks and gripped the dirty bed sheets. I always chose this, even if I knew it was wrong. Even though he would never love me.

I felt something slick trace my aggressively twitching hole, and two digits dip into my ass. It burned, it always burned at first but soon it would feel good, soon he would be pounding into me and I would be moaning his name. He pushed both fingers into my entrance and swirled them around, using a quick scissoring motion. He was taking more time than usual. Most of the time he just wanted to get it over with. But this time he was going slower.

He added a third and pushed as deep as he could go, and I moaned wantonly. Begging him for something more, something _bigger_. I felt his smooth thighs slide against my own and his large dick pressing against my anus until he sank in all the way. Before I had time to adjust he started a rapid thrusting motion, anchoring his hips into mine. It stung really bad but I bit my lip and pushed back into him, hoping it would help ease the burning.

It did and soon we were both shoving against each other. He was pistoning in and out of me and I felt close so I reached down in between my legs to grip my weeping cock, pumping quickly. I was so close and I could tell he was too. His breathing picked up and he started to moan, started to talk.

"Ahhh, Kendall! I love you!" He screamed before filling me up with his cum. I shuddered violently and released in my own hand, the seed spilling onto the bed sheets. I had barely even cum before he pulled out and started to get dressed. A small sob broke its way through my throat, shattering everything I had worked so hard to build. Reaching forward madly I closed my finger around his wrist. Stilling him momentarily.

"James... stay," it was one small word, one word spilling from my mouth. Just one word, but it held everything for me. I was begging him, literally on my knees, looking into those beautiful eyes.

"No. I'm sorry but I've told you before that I don't love you," James said eyes quickly averting to the floor looking for his shirt. I grabbed it before he could, holding it tightly in my shaking hands.

"Please, Just-" I started, but he stopped me, before I could even truly begin, he stopped me.

"I _don't_ love you Carlos. I'm _marrying_ Kendall. I'm sorry." Like a broken record spinning and spinning and spinning, out of control like my life, it's all the same every damn night. With that James left the room, the slamming door echoing in my heart.

I stumbled back over to the bed, grabbing the Jack that was dresser. Downing the golden liqued I stared at the ceiling, thinking, that he wasn't even gonna miss me. I wasn't going to make it through the night, I knew that. No one would care, Logan and Kendall would be shocked when they found me, eyes opened and dead. James wouldn't even flinch. It's his fault, no. No, it's _my _fault. It's always my fault. I downed the rest of the bottle.

But James wanted me, I know he did, I just know that even though he denies it, he's always wanted me. He's always _loved _me. My vision started to blurr from intoxication and I closed my eyes letting the oncoming darkness take me from this world. From _James. _

My dying thoughts were unclear to my fogged up brain, but I know I thought them all the same.

I tell myself that he wouldn't come here, to this dirty, cheap room with me if he didn't love me. But I was lying to myself and I knew it. I lie to myself all the time. But I never believe me.

_& everything went dark as the world slipped away._

**P.S. Okay, so yeah... uhm. Damn I didn't plan on killing Carlos. SORRY EMMA! I totally just dedicated a really depressing story to you, but it's only cause I love you. Sorry!**

**Gah, I fail. **

**MyHeroRaven**


End file.
